An interesting question came up on the DarkHorse podcast: How do we distinguish mental-illness-derived desire to transform the body from the legitimate desire to match the body to perceived self-image?

In other words, what’s the difference between someone who is trans wanting to change their body to fit their self-perception and someone who wants plastic surgery or a boob job? Many people typically think that the trans person probably needs some counseling, whereas someone who wants breast enhancement or a face-lift doesn’t.

Bret Weinstein starts off with: “I’m going to do an aside here because I think it’s worth it.” He then asks us to consider life before mirrors. We are aware that we are people, just like the others we know are people. But while we can see them, we don’t really know what we ourselves look like. The entirety of our self-image is based on feedback from others around us. In that world, modifying the way we interact with people, will change the feedback we get from others around us. More positive interactions with people will generate more positive feedback. This encourages good behavior and what we would call inner beauty.  

The introduction of mirrors has warped interactions by focusing more attention on the exterior.

Now, of course, even with mirrors, we DO still live in a world where our interactions with people generate feedback. That hasn’t ceased with the introduction of mirrors or increased focus on the exterior. We still commonly have those people who are beautiful but terrible. I suppose the point Weinstein was making was perhaps they’d be less terrible if their self-appraisal came from the feedback they were getting from others rather than a mirror.  

Perhaps, if there were less focus on the external, then the better option would be to perhaps learn a skill or something useful that would better your interactions, rather than merely changing the external.

I know there are all kinds of pushback on this. Some people can be genuinely self-conscious about a particular flaw they have and if they could fix that, then their interactions with others wouldn’t be hindered by their self-consciousness over that thing.  

One thing that I remember hearing in the dating podcasts I was listening to a year ago was this advice to actually develop an interest in something worthwhile and become passionate about that. Lots of guys, when they start trying to improve themselves so they can make themselves more valuable in the dating market, tend to focus on all the external stuff: improving their style, their health, their fitness levels, etc. Yeah, you can be passionate about that, but if your passion is only about finding a mate, what happens when you find a mate? The advice was then to develop an interest in something worthwhile, and that would make you a more interesting person in general. That would be right in line with what they were advocating on the DarkHorse podcast.

Obsessing over our externals, as has been aided by mirrors, isn’t a healthy thing. Is it a mental illness to think you’re the opposite sex? My belief is yes. That’s not a condemnation of those that suffer from it. I have listened to enough interviews with people who are trans, as well as those that have de-transitioned, to know that there are very real and very difficult issues with those having to deal with this. They have my compassion even if I disagree with certain conclusions. The original question included “the legitimate desire to match the body to perceived self-image”…. I’m not sure what to make of that. It’s hard to justify bigger boobs as a desire to match the body to perceived self-image. How does a woman come to the conclusion that she is inwardly a larger-cup-sized woman, therefore, a boob job is just getting physical reality in line with mental reality….  

I can get wanting to get a larger cup size. In general, most men find it more attractive, so in order to better compete in the market, a smaller-chested woman might think she would need to enhance to stay competitive. But that has nothing to do with a legitimate desire to match the body to perceived self-image. I’m not sure that phrasing even makes sense in terms other than mental disorder that needs treatment. It probably should be said that there is most definitely a market for women with smaller chests too. It’s true in general that big boobs get a LOT of attention, but that doesn’t mean smaller is ignored, far from it.  

The more important thing referred to in the video is that even today in a society obsessed over physical looks, it is ultimately the feedback we get from other people that is most important, and that feedback will be an assessment not only on looks, but on the overall impression.