Over the last few months I’ve come to several realizations about myself. Hopefully these lead to some changes.
The first realization is that I’m just not attractive anymore. I’ve got a mirror in the house, so this information isn’t exactly new. I’m of course aware that the flower of youth has long since passed me by. I was hoping that I could hang on to something like a respectable or dignified middle-aged look. But over the last few months, it is sinking in that even what I had of that is on the way out. This of course happens to everyone at some point or another. I’ll be turning 60 this year, and I had hoped it would last a bit longer, since I’m aware of others that still look good at my age or older. I probably felt encouraged to hold on to hope by a measure of attention in the not too distant past, but……the mirror… it just tells ya the naked, unvarnished truth. Youth has fled, dignified middle age has turned its back and is heading out the door, and I’m still here, having to adjust emotionally to this. One good is that I’m hoping I can get over myself and realize that time is short now. Even living a full life doesn’t grant me a whole lot of time left, and since youth and beauty was never going to get me anywhere anyway, maybe I can actually concentrate efforts on helping others and serving the Lord.
The second realization is that I probably overshare. People just aren’t that interested in what I have to say. (That’s why I have this blog- so I can just write down my thoughts and not bore my friends with them!) Maybe they’re not interested in what ANYONE else to say in general, so I shouldn’t take it personally. As an example, I saw a younger guy sitting by himself the other day at our church coffee shop. I went over to introduce myself and talk to him. At first he seemed interested, but at some point I got the distinct impression he didn’t really want to hear any more. He remained polite, but when they called my coffee out and went to get it, he left to go talk to someone else.
I get the occasional impression at work too when I’m talking with co-workers that I’m perhaps going on too long. I won’t share any specific instances, but it happens.
So I’m going to have to learn to be more circumspect in my conversations. While I try to ask about others as well, not just talk about myself, I think I’m going to try and move almost exclusively to asking about the other person.
As an odd coincidence, I’m reading Dostoevsky’s The Idiot right now, where the central character is an innocent young man who just tells people what they ask. I’m beginning to identify a little as the Idiot.