Next up as I go through this summary of Robert Greene’s Laws of Human Nature is the Law of Defensiveness.
Soften people’s resistance by confirming their self-opinion.
We all like to believe we’re independent and in control of our own lives. We have our opinions and self-perceptions about who we are, and we’re usually willing to fight to defend those perceptions.
3 universal qualities to people’s self-opinions.
1) I’m autonomous, acting of my own free-will.
Even if we’ve been manipulated or have succumbed to peer-pressure, we don’t want to allow that outside influences guided our decisions. We tend to rebel against coercion.
2) I’m intelligent in my own way.
No one wants to think they’re gullible or have sub-par intelligence.
3) I’m basically good and decent.
By understanding that people have these three basic self-opinions, you will be in a better position to influence them. You don’t want to put people in a position that defenses are triggered to protect these.
5 strategies to effectively persuade people, and avoid triggering their defensiveness.
1) Transform yourself into a deep listener.
Our attention is often scattered because we’re interested more in our own feelings than of others. To help in listening more and talking less, treat each person as an uncharted country, abundant with hidden surprises. Find what interests them, what makes their eyes light up, and probe deeper. The more they talk, the more you can discover their desires and insecurities.
2) Infect people with the proper mood.
We are vulnerable to the moods of others. If you’re relaxed and warm-hearted, they’ll feel comfortable. Avoid too much eye-contact, since this can be taken as a sexual connotation.
3) Confirm their self-opinions.
If you need their help, don’t make them feel like they’re being manipulated. Position the favor in a way that makes it feel like it was their idea.
For intelligence, concede that their opinion on the matter is better than yours. This will help them lower their guards and be more willing to accept your opinions later.
Regarding decency, link your need to a greater cause, and remind them of good deeds they’ve done in the past.
4) Ally their insecurities.
Once you’ve identified someone’s insecurities, be careful not to trigger them. Give them compliments to reassure them in those areas.
5) Use people’s resistance and stubbornness.
Subvert these things to a constructive purpose. You can occasionally use their own words against them. Stubbornness stems from uncertainty and fear of change. If they have a rebellious nature, reverse psychology can be used to push them in a direction you want them to go.
The royal road to influence is to put the focus on others. Let them do the talking. Let them be the stars of the show.
The Flexible Mind
When young, the mind is more flexible and we learn easier. Ultimately, we want to retain the flexibility of mind we had as a child, and have the reasoning power of adults.
But as we age, we tend to close off to new ideas. Try to imagine your ideas like toy blocks. You can experiment, put them together in new ways and play with them…. throw some out, keep some…. or get new ones. Don’t get too attached to your ideas. Remain playful and flexible in your spirit.
Become more self-aware that you aren’t as good as your self-opinion.
You DO buy products under the influence.
You DO conform to ideas because of the groups you belong to.
You ARE susceptible to being manipulated.
______________
My own notes:
Regarding these last points, this brings up an anecdote.
Years ago, I went to see a magician, I believe his name was Danny Korem. He did a couple of interesting bits that really stuck with me through the years. The first he did was a magic trick where he guessed the color a person was thinking of. Then he showed us how he did it, which was essentially through subliminal messaging. He repeatedly uttered the word ‘orange’ subliminally while he was talking, so the person who chose the color, chose orange. He then revealed how he did it. He did this to show us that we CAN be manipulated in our choices, but most of the time, our five senses don’t work perfectly enough to guard us against manipulations. Then he did another bit where, after an elaborate ritual of randomizing who would come up, he proceeded to tell them details about their lives that ‘no one could have possibly known’. He assured us that it was a trick, a manipulation, but this time he wouldn’t tell us how because, as in the first bit, if he TOLD us how, we would think we were now immune to manipulation. He wanted us to be aware that we were being manipulated, and to understand that most of the time, we simply were not going to know how. The takeaway was just to know that our five senses don’t work perfectly to guard us against being fooled.
All of that was just my own anecdote about recognizing susceptibility to manipulation.
I was also rewatching The Social Dilemma documentary about big tech’s business model of selling our attention to advertisers, and how we are being manipulated on a mass scale for profit.
As for flexibility of mind, this is something I’m trying to retain as I get older. I do a lot of reading, and I do a lot of taking notes about what I’m reading, and trying to process the lessons from this.
Oddly enough, this also helps ruin social media’s manipulation attempts on me, since I tend to look up a lot of things across a broad spectrum of political, social, and religious positions. They can’t quite pinpoint what particular thing will hold my attention and feed me more of that.
But trying to open myself up to a variety of viewpoints, and see where people are coming from definitely helps reduce my own defensiveness.
There are two more things that contribute in a positive way for me in this area.
The first is, I’m guessing, just a predisposal to seeing things other from other people’s point. I don’t know why I’m like this, but if I hear a viewpoint counter to mine, my first instinct is to think- ok, have I missed something? What are they seeing that I’m not?
The second is my faith in Jesus Christ. Recognizing I’m a sinner saved by the grace of God helps put me in a proper perspective of my own importance. The truth is I’m a mess. I have been wrong about so many things I can’t even count them all, so while I can still get defensive about things, I also have several life experiences that help counteract that defensiveness.