Chapter 9: while Helen is laid up sick, Jane makes friends with “one Mary Ann Wilson; a shrewd, observant personage, whose society I took pleasure in, partly because she was witty and original, and partly because she had a manner which set me at ease. Some years older than I, she knew more of the world, and could tell me many things I liked to hear: with her my curiosity found gratification: to my faults also she gave ample indulgence, never imposing curb or rein on anything I said. She had a turn for the narrative, I for analysis; she liked to inform, I to question; so we got on swimmingly together, deriving much entertainment, if not much improvement, from our mutual intercourse.” 

I was thinking about this comment “deriving much entertainment, if not much improvement” with regards to my own friendships. Over the years, we have had seasons where we had other couples that were “best friends”. Couple with which we just hit it off, and we would spend hours over at their houses just talking and enjoying each other’s company. Even today I have people with whom the connection is almost instant. You just relate… and conversations come very easily. I was trying to apply this lens of entertainment/improvement to these friendships: what is it that I enjoy in my relationships with these specific people?  

It seems to me that entertainment is going to be the first thing that draws me to people. I’ve got to at least enjoy the time, or it’s hard to feel like you’re getting anywhere. The thing that ‘works’ in those relationships is the ability to continually converse about things. An enjoyable part of that is the way one person will say something, which leads to me thinking about some story that relates; which will lead to the other person having either a similar experience, or that serves as a launch to another, but related, topic…. and this ability to just keep talking without feeling like things are dragging is perhaps the entertainment part.  

But I also like to have conversations about things I’m learning, or what the other person is learning too. Conversations that are about more than just small talk subjects. If there is an opening to learn something, I definitely want to get into that space. I want to hear what people are in to, and what they’re up to, and maybe I can learn something in the process. 

My ideal would be relationships that are both entertaining and improving, but I can also be satisfied with just entertaining… I think. Maybe I’d get bored with that if that’s all it were.  

But I was also having a discussion about relationships that “improve”. The first thing that came to mind was a mentor/mentee relationship. I have to admit I haven’t sought out mentors per se. I have people that I like to talk to because I learn a lot from them; but I also know some people who, it feels to me, see themselves in the role of ‘imparters of wisdom’. And as the ‘imparters of wisdom’, they are there purely to speak, and not listen. And I have that impression of them: they don’t really see much value in me, or listening to me. They just want to impart their wisdom. I’m aware that there is a whole ‘self-help’ idea of finding people you want to be like, and trying to learn from them. Perhaps these people have taken this up, and they actively try to find people they can emulate in order to improve themselves. And perhaps then, as a consequent, they feel they themselves can also act in that role for others, whether those others asked for it or not…. This is all a kind of speculation on my part, and I may be (am probably) way wrong about it. It’s just a vibe I’ve gotten, but if I’m wrong, it wouldn’t be the first time. 

But my whole vibe about this kind of relationship is that it’s simply using people to get something out of them, rather than trying to appreciate them for who they are. I dunno… that’s me. I’m sure there are other opinions that would shed more favorable light on it. 

At the end of this, I guess I do value those relationships that will improve me more than relationships that don’t, but to be honest, I also value the entertainment: and for me I guess I’d define that as the sheer joy of being in their company, rather than the content I might get out of it.