John Locke, in his essay On Education, talks about the English custom (at around 1700) of doting on children when young, and then becoming progressively colder as they grow. He felt this was wrong and suggested being more aware of discipline in the early years, and allowing the children more into confidence as they grow older. 

Now this is exactly the way I was raised, and how I raised my own kids. When I was growing up, it was during an age when adults were ALL Mr. and Mrs. this or that. We never called adults by their first names and by and large, we stayed out of their way. At that time, adults could still physically hit children and it wouldn’t have been considered particularly wrong. Of course they couldn’t go around hitting kids with impunity, but if children were caught doing something wrong, it would not have been considered out of their jurisdiction to lay some punishment down on the offenders. Corporal punishment was still a thing when I was in school. I remember kids getting hauled to the principal’s office and given swats. I’ll be honest, being small and bullied a lot, I thought it was fantastic when some of the kids that picked on me would walk out of the principal’s office crying. I felt there was justice in the world seeing that. There were teachers in my junior high who would chuck erasers at the kids that were sleeping in class and bean ‘em on the head. We all, well not the kid who got beaned, just laughed about it and made mental notes NOT to fall asleep.

All of this is to say that there were social boundaries between Adults and children, that seem to have dissipated over the years.

True story- when my kids were little, I lived in Fullerton among a bunch of Romanian families, and one of the boys, stepped in while my son and I were kicking a soccer ball and took it, just like a bully. Why he did this with me, an adult around, speaks to the shifting winds of adult/child relationships. But I knew the kid, so I told him to give us the ball back. His response was to come up to me and say- “What up, fool?” My immediate reaction was to slap him right across the face. THAT got his attention and let him know that he was not dealing with one of his peers. Tears welled up in his eyes, his punky lower lip started to quiver and he ran home. His dad came over and in broken English told me to leave his kid alone, but I’ll tell ya what… we NEVER had a problem with that kid again. He had learned a lesson that I never personally tested, but intuited in my young life- children aren’t on the same authority level as adults, so don’t act like you are, or you’ll be put down.

Anyway…..

The point of that story, is that discipline, as Locke notes, needs to be instilled early in junior. There are a boatload of things I regret in raising my sons, but by the grace of God, good parenting I had as a model, and maybe some dumb luck, I did manage to get this one thing right- I disciplined my kids early. As kids get older, the struggle moves from physical to emotional/mental. Junior will physically try to challenge you when he’s small and his brain is too undeveloped to recognize that someone 6 times his size can kick his @$$. But as junior moves to puberty, you do NOT want to be in a physical contest with him. By that time, the lesson that you CAN, if needed, put him in his place, has to be well ingrained. Because even granting that the vast majority of adult men could, if needed, take their junior high aged kids in a fist fight, you’ve already lost if it is coming to that. By that time, if all has gone to plan, your engaging the self-willed little stinks in wars of will- on the emotional/mental front. This is, to be sure, much more exhausting, but it’s the way it has to be, and it, God willing, won’t last forever.

Here’s where I related to Locke’s words. I remember the first time I was among the company of adult family members, and they laughed at one of my comments. Not AT me, with me. I remember that sense of acceptance and the fact that I was growing up and being recognized as part of the group with insights of my own that could be worthwhile.

I remember later on as I had kids and my siblings had grown up, watching my parents take a back seat in a sense during the conversations. I have noted that in my in-laws as well.

When it was my turn, I began to take my sons into my confidence as they were growing up. I would let them see sides of things going on the family that I wouldn’t have earlier. When they would add things to the conversation that I found interesting or well thought out, I would accept that and show them that what they had to say carried weight with me and was important. This is all part of their maturing into the world and picking up confidence in their own ability to assess the world around them and see things as more seasoned adults would.