I’m reading Henry Esmond by William Makepeace Thackeray, and he makes some interesting comments about strife in marriage:

“In houses where, in place of that sacred, inmost flame of love, there is discord at the center, the whole household becomes hypocritical and lies to his neighbor. The husband (or it may be the wife) lies when the visitor comes in, and wears a grin of reconciliation or politeness before him. The wife lies (indeed her business is to do that, and to smile however much she is beaten), swallows her tears, and lies to her lord and master; lies in bidding little Jackey respect dear papa; lies in assuring grandpapa that she is perfectly happy. The servants lie, wearing grave faces behind their master’s chair, and pretending to be unconscious of the fighting; and so, from morning till bedtime, life is passed in falsehood.”

He also has some interesting thoughts on the possible source of some of this marital strife:

“Much of the quarrels and hatred which arise between married people come in my mind from the husband’s rage and revolt at discovering that his slave and bedfellow, who is to minister to all his wishes, and is church-sworn to honor and obey him- is his superior; and that he, and not she, ought to be the subordinate of the twain: and in these controversies, I think, lay the cause of my lord’s anger against his lady. When he left her, she began to think for herself, and her thoughts were not in his favor.

And if it be painful to a woman to find herself mated for life to a boor, and ordered to love and honor a dullard; it is worse still for the man himself perhaps, whenever in his dim comprehension the idea dawns that his slave and drudge yonder is, in truth, his superior; that the woman who does his bidding, and submits to his humor, should be his lord; that she can think a thousand things beyond the power of his muddled brains; ”

The text is speaking specifically about the couple in the book, though Thackeray makes a broader point that this happens in many marriages. It needn’t happen, for a man could marry a woman who isn’t as smart or perceptive as he is. Or he could marry one much more capable, and avoid the pitfall described above by not expecting her to be his personal slave. Recognize her abilities and talents and give her due and praise where it is merited. If I encourage and foster those abilities, then I too can be pulled up by her strengths. She has willingly hitched her wagon to mine, so there is no reason why I can’t expect that she would offer her abilities to raise me up, in the same way I would offer mine to raise her up.

If I, as the gentlemen in the novel, take offense at her superiority and then try and knock her down, rather than raise her up, then it’s my issue for having been a bad steward. The novel uses this symbolism:  

“So a man dashes a fine vase down, and despises it for being broken. It may be worthless – true: but who had the keeping of it, and who shattered it? ”

It seems to me that the lion’s share of the problem here is our pride. If I can approach the situation with some humility, and simply recognize the truth- that she has gifts in some areas that exceed mine, and accordingly praise her and build her up for those things, then the problem is not a problem, but a strength. Don’t be a butt. Appreciate and recognize what you’ve been given. So much of a relationship springs from our respective abilities to compromise- which means letting go of some the things we consider important. It won’t be a compromise if it isn’t something important to you…. if it was never important, you wouldn’t even bother trying to hold on to it in the first place. But the odd thing is that, with enough compromise (by which I mean making concessions to resolve disputes), over time they don’t even really feel like concessions anymore. It becomes a way to make the other person happy. The focus shifts from the negative of “giving up your way” to the positive of “making the other person happy”. The concession becomes negligible in itself, and the important part is the peace. I should state that when I talk about compromise, I’m not really talking about compromising important principles or moral stances. Ya’d probably better work those things out before getting into a long term relationship by making sure you’re compatible in those basic outlooks on life, otherwise things are going to be rocky.

I want to be the kind of person who looks for ways to make those around me happy. I trust that for the most part, they’ll reciprocate. I also understand that there are people out there who don’t reciprocate. I hate to think that there is someone who can’t… I’d like to think anyone has the power to change, but there are some hard cases out there. But assuming you’re not a hard case, then my advice is to be as accommodating as you can to the other; recognize their strong points and praise and compliment them often for them, and look for ways to build them up, rather than ways to raise your own stature.