So I’ve put on a few pounds in the last few years. When I started the current job back in Nov 2018, I was around 155, and I’ve gone up to around 180 at times. I’ve tried over the ensuing years to diet and get back down, and I got close a few years ago getting just under 160, but then typically the holiday season would hit and all the gains would be nullified. Losing weight has always been straightforward with me: count my calories and keep under the necessary number, and the weight will come off. The problem over the recent years has been the will to actually do it. I’ll get started, then the age-old conflict between wanting to look better and wanting to have more pie rears its ugly head, with the pie usually winning out. 

It hasn’t helped that I’ve stopped playing soccer. Back in 2014 when I was diagnosed with leukemia, I stopped playing, and once I got out of it, it was too hard to get back in shape. I’ve made a few attempts at playing indoor- once back in early 2018 and then in 2020 for a few games, but we haven’t been able to really muster enough people to stick with it. So my sports exercise regimen has gone, and while I used to go to the gym regularly, I don’t anymore. I never particularly liked the gym, but I went because I knew it was good for me. After I got out of shape, it was all the harder and without any real motivation to go, I’ve just given it up. I would occasionally make the effort to stretch out and do some light calisthenic-type exercises at home, but again, lack of motivation made it untenable. 

The extra weight meant that I’d find it embarrassing to take my shirt off and go to the beach, or lay out to get some tan, so I’ve also found myself getting whiter and whiter, which, as everyone knows these days, is a REAL problem.  

Then there’s the problem of my leukemia medicine: I switched over in 2018 to a new med, but that med has the unfortunate effect of producing some swelling, most of which is seen in my face. Even my wife has noticed that I’m not particularly handsome. I don’t blame her for this, and it’s not like she goes out of her way to tell me this, but I know it, and have mentioned it, and she has acknowledged it. I feel bad for her having to look at me! 

All of this has made me noticeably uglier, particularly the swelling, and I’m just embarrassed about my looks these days, hence the ugly update. 

So why a new update? Well, having moved into a new office mid-December, we now have access to a small gym. We’ve started going in the new year, and I’m hoping to make a habit of it now that I have some accountability. That should help. 

I’ve also started up the diet again- just after Thanksgiving, and managed to drop several kilos even during the holiday season. I’m just over 175 right now, so down around 4-5 pounds from Dec 1. If I can keep this up, maybe I can, alongside working out, diminish the gut and add a little bit of tone to my flabbiness. I don’t expect I’ll ever get back to what I was 10 years ago, but knowing how good a shape I used to be in, and seeing myself now, I’m disgusted with myself. 

Then the last visit to the oncologist revealed something hopeful. For a long time I’ve been at a barely detectable level on the particular chromosomal defect that is the cause of my leukemia. But the last time, it had sunk below the detectable level. I asked the doctor if that meant I could go off the meds. 

He mentioned they do have a program for people like me that has us go off the drug, and then they monitor our progress every month. He said about 50% have to go back on the drug, but 50% don’t. 

IF I were able to get off the drug and stay leukemia free, then maybe the swelling in my face would go away, which would perhaps return my face to less dire.  

I don’t know if my oncologist will suggest me for that program, but I’m hoping that if I can stay below detectable levels, I’ll be able to stay clear of the disease, and the uglifying medicine. 

In summary: lose weight, get in shape, get off meds… should all add up to less ugly. 

Hooray!