I was talking with my wife the other day about the things I find really attractive, and one of the things way up high on the list is a woman who is ‘feminine’. But at its most basic, feminine simply means ‘relating to or of the female sex, or characteristic of women’, meaning literally any woman would have femininity just by being a woman…. which doesn’t really capture what I mean. Clearly, I understand the word as referring to some set of characteristics culturally assigned to being typical of women. But if pushed to define what exactly I mean, what are the characteristics I think of? 

This is my attempt to articulate the things I’m personally thinking of when l think of ‘feminine’.  Your mileage may vary, but I thought it worthwhile to try and articulate my idea. So here’s what I have so far: 

Softness of manner 
This softness probably could encompass several traits: gentleness, kindness… but it is a generally “softer” way of approaching things. Even if she has to do something more direct or confrontational, a feminine way would be to do it in a softer manner.  

I suppose one could say that a passive-aggressive approach would be softer than a direct “Up Yours!!!”  approach, so I don’t want to say that the only thing important is the softer manner. It’s not going to be attractive if someone is doing crappy things, but just in a softer manner.  

Receptive  
Being “receptive” may be the trickiest thing I thought of, but I also think it may be essential to me.  

I’ll start with, if not an exact opposite, at least one of the things I don’t really care for. It’s what I would call a ‘world-weary’ attitude. And by that I think of the prototypical tired, middle-aged diner waitress, who says, with a cigarette dangling out of her mouth, “I seen it all, honey”. I’ll grant that some people have seen enough of the bad of life that it would be all but impossible to NOT have that attitude, so I’m not even necessarily blaming our prototypical waitress… but it’s not an attitude I find attractive. I don’t want to be that way myself, and I’d want someone I’m with to have a kind of openness to life. Someone who isn’t tired, but who is receptive to ideas and new experiences. I’m middle-aged by now. But even though I’ve seen some life, I don’t want to have this attitude myself. I want to approach things with a freshness. And I find that characteristic refreshing and alive. It’s more easily, I suppose, found in youth, but it doesn’t have to be. It’s an outlook.  

Maybe some of my view of this as feminine is based in the physical, sexual characteristics of male and female: females are anatomically receptive. Maybe that’s why it translates into me seeing it as a feminine trait to be more receptive in just a general outlook. 

I should state upfront that I don’t think it means that the woman should just be a blank slate and not have her own views or ideas. I appreciate maturity, thoughtfulness and independence. Just be receptive. 

And while I did relate the attitude to the physical earlier, I don’t know how that squares with me saying I don’t want to be the kind of person who isn’t open either. How it all squares, I don’t know, but I do know this is an important factor in attractiveness to me.  

This might seem related to another trait that men see as ideal in a woman- submissiveness. While there is probably some degree of submissiveness in being receptive, I also know there is a lot of negative associated with the idea. I will state that as a Christian, I accept the Biblical injunction that the man is the head of the household. As with any other area, the one who has the responsibility, needs to have the right to make decisions. But I’ve seen this play out correctly in both my parents, and in my own experience with my wife. While I do reserve the final say, I am never, in real life, going to just override my wife’s thoughts. I love her, respect her, and trust her. And if she has reservations about something, then I take that seriously and don’t move until we’ve worked it out. So in all practical respects, she is the equal, not a subordinate.  

But I’m also aware that lots of women have not had good models of this in their life. They have seen harsh and/or foolish men claim priority, only to use it as a bludgeon over women. I can only say that while I’d love to solve the world’s problems, I can’t. Thankfully, I’ve seen this modeled correctly in my own life, and I see the benefit and beauty of it when it is done correctly, so that is what informs my view. 

This receptiveness is an area where perhaps youth has an advantage over age, in that the older one gets, the more set we tend to get in our ways. So someone younger, and not so set in their way, can tend to be more receptive. The plasticity of youth will generally be more receptive than someone older. But age isn’t the only determining factor. Some young people are already relatively intractable, and some older people are still discovering wonder and open to new things. On average, age produces more set ways, but it doesn’t have to be that way. In general though, receptivity will make a person seem younger and more attractive. 

Vulnerability 
This is going to be another tricky one to define. Vulnerable doesn’t mean helpless, and I appreciate a woman who is perfectly capable of being on her own. But I want to feel like I bring something to the table. I’ll start again with an opposite. I have heard, mostly in online videos, some women say: men, we don’t NEED you. OK, on one level I get that. I could say the same thing: I don’t NEED a woman. I can take care of myself. I can cook and do my laundry and I have a job and earn money. But while it may be true that I don’t NEED a companion in the most basic sense of the word, I do very much want a companion to go through life with. We humans are built for companionship and we’re innately social. I love sharing life, and I love women, so I want to do so, and am willing to make all kinds of adjustments in order to fit that into my life. Putting aside the fact of technical need, it’s something I obviously feel like I emotionally need, or at least strongly desire.  And I, like most men, want to feel like I bring something to the table more than just being a disposable accoutrement to someone’s already fulfilled life.  

So when I consider femininity, I’d like a woman who has a sense of this vulnerability in her life, so that I feel like I bring some strength to her… that I add something necessary to her life, something she is lacking. She will certainly be bringing something I lack in my life.  

I had originally thought of several other traits, but I either wrapped them into these three elements, or I removed them as being separate from, even if related to, femininity. 

When I think of what is essential to femininity, it is being soft, receptive, and a little vulnerable.