On my drives to and from work, I listen to podcasts. Most of the time, I try to use the time to expand my knowledge on politics or philosophy. But yesterday and this morning, I took a break and was listening to a discussion over the state of dating today. One of the things that came up was the amount of negative that makes its way online. Both the people in the discussion have channels where they give advice, and both noted that a title like “5 types of women you DON’T want to go near!” is going to get far more hits than a positive title. It just is.

This incentivizes creators to put up more negative content, and downstream, we arrive at a moment when it’s common to find a lot of men/women who think: All women/men are trash! (I know this isn’t new to humanity, it existed prior to online, and I know this because I existed prior to online and it has always been a thing.)

But much of today’s impression of ‘a majority of X is like Y’ comes from the incentives online. The happy, well-adjusted people are out there, they just don’t bother posting their happy online, or if they do, it doesn’t garner much attention. But the girls who are quality, they’re the quiet ones just out there living their lives. It’s not that they don’t exist, but they aren’t posting their butts all over the internet.  

I use the analogy of a book. I saw a book, and it sparked my interest. I read the inside jacket cover and saw the promise of something much more: the wit and humor and character, and I felt like I really wanted to know what was inside the book. I had the sensation of one of those books that you open up and a beautiful three-dimensional scene unfolds in color, something so intricate and complex you wonder how the creator thought to put it together so that it could fold over in the book, but show itself fully when opened.

So I invested time and read. I was not disappointed- the more I read, the more I wanted to read, and it became so precious. I was reading about happiness and pain, doubts and resilience, courage and beauty, all unfolding as a beautiful story filled with dimensions unseen to others that hadn’t read it.  

Covers can be attractive, and get us to have an initial look, but the value is inside, the value is quiet and more reserved.

There is an obvious attractiveness in glamor, and the charisma of a person who walks into the room and just seems to light it up. But those people have usually long figured out what they are. They have seen enough people drawn to them and they understand their place and the power they have to attract others. There is an undeniable flash to such people and everyone intuits this.  

I think the real value is in taking the time to read the book that others might pass over. Because the view of that three dimensional scene inside is far richer and more complex than a cover. There is more investment needed to uncover it, but it’s absolutely worth it. That’s what I think, anyway. Now, even when I see the book just sitting on the shelf, I think it’s absolutely beautiful because I know it’s depth.

And as I listened to that podcast (still have another 20 minutes to go), I’m happy to hear that I’m not alone. There are still plenty of people out there who get this and would be willing to go through the effort. They aren’t the people that tend to attract attention in a world that is selecting for outrageous online behavior, but they’re still there, and they’re still worth the investment.